Time
Why have I sort of grown to get nervous around it?
What do I mean by that, you might ask?
It is not that I am nervous FOR time like the feeling you get when you are late or when you have too many errands to do, and you are certain all the cars are going 10 MPH slower than they should.
Or that I am nervous ABOUT time. Like time passing or how fast time seems to go. Yes, I have big emotions on those things, but it is not the same.
It is something else….
Let me explain,
I was watching a show on a channel that has a lot of reality shows on it. Some are about weight and others about dermatology issues and others about families.
So, the one I was watching was about a family of 7 people and they were having an especially busy time in their lives with a party for the grandpa and another party for their daughter. And as I watched them all go about getting ready for them both, everyone seemed excited and of course, anxious to get things done and done well.
But no one seemed to feel the way I would feel if it was me. The way I WAS feeling even watching them.
Which was a certain uncertainty of how someone would do when the party started or how someone might feel prior, both which could take time and effort to help with.
No, they were just able to go about their premade check list and be fine.
And this got me thinking…
Why do I feel this way?
I clearly know how to plan things, shop for parties or events and execute them…well even.
Yet the emotion of nervousness covers all my thoughts about things like parties, get togethers or events.
And then as I went deeper into the why of it all.
I hit on the answer.
Because of my beautiful Elizabeth and the way that her special needs can make her feel towards an event or get together and how consequently I will then have to react to or help her with these feelings and emotions.
And unlike the people on TV who can plan X number of hours to prep and X number of minutes to do the final touches. I, however, am not given that grace. Because there really is no telling what might be asked of me or us for Elizabeth. Special needs takes away any certainty.
Will it take longer to for her to be ready?
Will she need to talk or is she ok?
What is plan B if she is not okay?
There really was no ability to plan with certainty when she was younger and now that she is older and it IS better, the feelings of nervousness for things I mentioned are so deeply ingrained that even though she is and mostly will be okay with parties, events etc…the nervousness stays
On and on
So, I get it now.
I processed it.
And now, when I feel that wash of nervousness when someone says “be at our house at 6” I can say to myself.
Self, you know why! And because you know why, you can put in order the things you can and acknowledge the things you can’t, and it will be okay.
So to those of you who may feel the same way, well now you know you are so not alone.
A journey with special needs leaves a lot of collateral damage and being truthful with yourself about it is healing and helpful.
Be back next month.
Michele